Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson. 
I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
When 50 cent got hungry... 58
“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.
I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.
How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.
Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school
We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....
Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.
.....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.
:) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.
I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?
Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long
When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something
Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.
For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down. 