Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.

   Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

   Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99

   A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.

   Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...

   The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

   I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.

   I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

   Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.

   Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.

   Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.