Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames

   I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.

   A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond

   I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.

   finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.

   If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.