Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

   Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   just gave my 5yo power of attorney

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.