Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

   So what caused GM to beg for a bailout 10 years ago. I am sure it wasnt bad management

   Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.

   a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.

   Please everyone..don't forget to let everyone know when you take a crap. Facebook wants us to know EVERYTHING about each other :/

   My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.

   to the ppl thinknig facebook is really charging...send your payments to: (my name), Po box...

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   Nobody ever pays me in gum ( -_-)

   A friend of mine was wounded in combat. He sprained his ankle when he tripped over a table during a bar fight.

   I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.

   I don't want to hear you complain that you can't afford basic cable when you play $20 a week on the Lotto.

   hanging up her spoon after a hard days s*it stiring.

   I think Weiner's next press conference should be in a Brett Favre jersey....

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.