Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! -- Me, in front of my oscillating fan.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.

   No, no, no. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

   I don't understand how awareness campaigns are helpful for things everyone in the world is already aware of.

   I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him

   Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.

   .... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.

   I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...