Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse