Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.

   After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!!

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   With great power comes a great Electricity bill

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.