Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   I give travel info in the amount of time it takes me to get there, not in miles.

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   Someone needs to brew a great beer and call it “Roses”! That way when you show up at your ladies door with a card and a dozen roses, you know at least you're going to have a great time!

   Valentine's Day : Because love isn't quite complicated enough as it is....

   I hope when they write my biography they leave out my being afraid to poop in public places

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   just realized how valuable photoshop can be...when you need to pin something on your boss...like a donkey…for blackmail…

   Love is like a glass door… Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.

   -Grand Theft Auto is the only way I can express myself freely without any consequences....

   believes the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.

   Arnold might not make a good dad... the whole "Hasta la vista baby" issue should have been the first clue!

   Mission impossible: Living the champagne lifestyle on beer budget.

   Be careful what you wish for... I may not fit in that bottle but I have great aim......

   False hope is the only thing that gets me through the day