Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.

   Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.

   I don't hate you, it's just my attitude has some major issues with your personality.

   This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean

   If you don't have any critics, you probably don't have any success either!

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram?

   If facebook had an anonymous button, then all hell would break loose.

   They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.