BEGO Funny Status Messages

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.

   Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected.

   If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won't repost this,” there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.

   Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   How come you can wear jeans everyday and nobody cares... but you wear a shirt twice in one week and you're suddenly homeless?

   If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.

   Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.

   Be with someone you hide nothing from.

   Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating!

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process