Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   I parked in front of gym today & ate lunch #Babysteps

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are

   Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket.

   if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me I'm bad at math,id have 47 cents

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Wow! Did everyone notice C3PO at the Grammys??? He sure has let himself go...

   My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.

   I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.

   Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

   They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust?

   I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.

   Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck

   To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?

   My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".

   In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.

   1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...