Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you get off a non-stop flight?

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.

   Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?

   Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.

   Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.

   Who won the third Presidential Debate? Well that's easy, anyone who didn't watch it.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .

   I'm going to be an endangered species this year for Halloween.... An english speaking troubleshooting operator .

   Q: How do you play the ISIS bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.