Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.

   When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.

   Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.

   Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.

   Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.

   No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.

   93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.