Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.

   I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.

   Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

   [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.

   The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.

   "I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.

   99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.