Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

   When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

   If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a fear of being scared.

   A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   Of course I have countless friends. They’re called songs on my playlist. .

   I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."

   I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.