Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once this corona tension is over....will take 7 days break and rest at home.

   Parents, here's a way to keep your kids busy for awhile on Easter, let them have an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.

   Wonder if I have enough things in my kitchen junk draw to build a rocket ship to get me off this rock?

   eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...