Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.

   What do I like most about people? Their dogs....

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

   Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no

   Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

   E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

   A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

   "I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope

   Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

   *lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.