Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!

   My favorite thing about restroom graffiti is knowing the gangbanger had a sparkly marker in his pocket.

   Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach offer unwanted advice in related Facebook groups all day.

   I think it's wrong that only one company makes the board game "Monopoly."

   Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny

   A true beer drinker never look at his beer as Half Empty .... He looks at it as Half way to his Next Beer ...

   In the movies everybody laughs when somebody says "You can trust me ... I'm from the Government!" HAHAHAHA ..... But come election time ..... We all seem to have collective brainwashed amnesia and dutifully vote for the biggest Government Con-Person.

   Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

   With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe.

   Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.

   Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   Funny how in school we referred to everyone by their first and last names but as adults we're just like "you know what's-his-face."

   October 27th, almost time for me to tell my kids' about the weird week long chocolate allergy they are about to get.

   Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.

   If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go