Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist

   I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes

   I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!

   Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

   Happy Confused Camel Day!!

   "It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.

   I'm at the age where I don't party hard I party mildly.

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   You can never go wrong with medieval technology.

   It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...