Funny Status Messages

   My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   Me at McDonald’s with my $1400 stimulus check: sir the ice cream machine is broken.. Me: how much does it cost to fix it.

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.

   I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.

   A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.

   A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....