Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.

   I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   Picture Darth Vader singing "These are a Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   Anthony Weiner gets Hard time. Pun intended!

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

   The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.

   I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.

   A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.

   A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....