Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?

   Congrats Khloe Kardashian! You're father was granted parole!

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.

   Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower

   for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.

   I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."