Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad I live in Kentucky now. Cause when the Gov shuts down the liquor stores will still be open

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"