manbearpig Funny Status Messages

   Hollywood are already planning a movie about the life of Elizabeth Taylor. It's provisionally titled 'Eight Weddings and a Funeral'.

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   just two away from a threesome

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   ~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

   as confused as a hungry infant in a topless bar.

   Has anyone Sheen my drugs?

   has often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor

   So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?

   if someone sends me one more Farmville invite, I will banish your animals to a galaxy far, far away and set fire to your crops.

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors. The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach".

   contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane.

   My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month, but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life.

   For Halloween, I'm going to wear a Pacman suit and chase all the Muslim women in burqas around the town centre.

   Lady Gaga says she takes her fashion inspiration from Princess Diana. It's just a shame it's not from how she looked before the crash.

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?