Funny Status Messages

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.