Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5