Funny Status Messages

   Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.

   Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."

   The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

   Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   Democrat parties have weed, Republican parties have hookers. Tough call...

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.

   You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   watched a bunny hop past me and into bushes and thought "What if I'm supposed to follow it?"

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all

   I serve my "fck you's" with a smile. It just has a better effect that way. Don't you think?

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

   I wish my wife would look at me the way Biden looks at the back of Obamas head.