Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone

   I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools

   I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."