Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.

   Raise the age to buy guns? What this country really needs to do is raise the age of puberty.

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.