Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   I've started visiting orgies dressed as a Ninja-Turtle! I'm really coming out of my shell these days!

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   The difference between curry and a candle. A candle only burns at one end.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

   I wish it was 1945 so I could call chicks “doll face”

   We need to start thinking about the world we'll leave behind for Betty White when we're all gone.