Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog