Funny Status Messages

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"

   I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   come on folks.... bring on the funnies