Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood