Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?