Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience. 
If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.
Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in shear terror and other times you just have to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.
X When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement
ghetto: when your GPS says roll up ur windows, lock the doors and DRIVE.
..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...
A trip to Walmart at 3am has now convinced that the next zombie outbreak will happen. I have seen carriers of the virus but they look to have some immunity. They look and smell like the living dead but they are still very much alive.
Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars
Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.
Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had diarrhea!
I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.
To the people telling me about how bored they are; don't look at me, I have nothing for you.
I think facebook is a teenager...its going through alot of changes lately
69% of the time people find something dirty in this sentence.
dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.
overheard at walmart ; customer service needed in the sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls.
you know your getting old when all the athletes you watch on TV are younger than you
Dear IRS: First of all, you should know I filled my form out with my middle finger.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is 