Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some smartphones are actually smarter than their owners.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   Facebook the number one rumor starter

   I looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

   I knew Brett Favre was in for a long year when he threw that interception in the Wrangler commercial.

   God I hate spending money on anything but myself.

   I'd rather pump a soap dispenser a thousand times to get a trace amount of soap than spend the same amount of time refilling it.

   Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!

   just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.

   I'm no volcanologist but has anyone tried throwing in a few virgins?

   thinks if Cap'n Crunchberries can do an "Oops! All Berries" version of their cereal, then why can't Lucky Charms do an "Oops! All Marshmellows" version?

   Please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do remember Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   ..is having car problems. The car won't start and the payments won't stop.

   helping senior Citizens...one Cougar at a time.....

   How did Miley Cyrus get a pack a day smoker voice at 18?