Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

   [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?

   Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.

   ..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.

   A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!

   Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you need a breath mint.

   Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.

   Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.

   A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

   People who go on to open a second Facebook account because you've reached your maximum number of friends, get a life!

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   ...... POKEMON GO!!!!!!! No Seriously ....... POKEMON GO!!! The world does not need any more Pokemon!