Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets math

   Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.

   If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!

   Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   aside from your face, what is your problem? :D

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.