Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   "Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.