Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

   It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

   F-book has gone from a social media platform, to an entity bent on 'protecting' people from the truth.

   I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

   got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

   When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.

   Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...

   I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.

   You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.