Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I speak 3 languages ENGLISH, SARCASM, & SEXUAL INNUENDOS

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.

   looking for some good end-of-the-world bargains today and tomorrow

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   Ever since watching Extreme Couponing I hate grocery shopping even more!!!!

   if your password is your name, you deserve to be hacked

   sex a benefit of a relationship or is a relationship a benefit of sex?

   Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

   Dave's girlfriend left him today. She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later.

   Oh. so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   The moment I hear the word "inches" in any discussion, I'm already preparing myself for a mental manhood measuring contest. 4 inches of rain? No problem. 22 inch bass? You win.

   Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.

   you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."