Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my p0rn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Streaking is all fun and games... until the fat one wants to do it.

   I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife.

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.