Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My plan to discombobulate people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Dear Memory you suck at your job, you only work when you want to.

   money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   Never trust a skinny chef

   if only you could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill

   I almost forgot what is was like to have a GF until the gps unit would not STFU when I pulled off the freeway to get more gas in the car.

   If I can wear my slippers and there's free food, I'm in.

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   a valentines day nonbeliever!!!

   I was upset when I heard that Justin Beiber got a haircut because it meant I was gonna have to rearrange my "Top ten things I care least about" list.

   making the 6 Million Dollar Man sound effect as he runs.

   Words will only hurt when you believe them.

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   Me have safe sex? You kiddin? My girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car doors..

   The month of March - In like a lion, out like a lamb. A ferocious, saber-toothed, axe-wielding, lamb. Brrrrr...

   There has gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers all the words to 'Baby Got Back'.

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.

   I'll bet they're busy at Walmart today. Moving all the Clorox and Lysol to the pharmacy section.

   I don't realise how hyperactively stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.