Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   look, I'm not mad that you're sleeping with my ex...I'm just wondering why you'd want to feel like you're throwing a hotdog down a hallway?

   I don't want you to panic but I'm texting from casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was

   The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.

   Women are from Venus? That's bull. They're from Pluto. How else can they stand outside a club in freezing rainy weather with nothing but a mini skirt?

   a mariachi band, is making fajitas, and organizing chihuahua races in the backyard to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. You know you want to be here...

   I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't hav

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   How come none of these new cartoon girls are as fat as the real person??

   I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and parrelled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here!

   When did Facebook become Reading Rainbow?

   To the 42 friends that are currently available to chat at 3:11 in the afternoon... Get a job you losers! Oh, wait...

   This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.

   If a soccer player falls in the forest & no one is around, do they still writhe around displaying Oscar worthy performances of pain and grimacing on the ground acting like their shin or their knee exploded? like watching JFK get shot

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.

   “are you f cuking kidding me” - me every two seconds at work.

   24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

   What idiot called it, "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?