Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fed up with politics. I'm gonna start the Long Island Iced Tea Party movement for those of us who know that both sides sell us the same s**t in a different package.

   Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!

   Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, seemed to like the rich families more. Who liked the poor families more? the Stork.

   when I was little I used to think Marshmallows were ghost turds...

   Secret Lovers my a$$! Why be someone's dirty little secret when you can be someone else's pride and joy?

   You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.

   I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.

   Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.

   Whenever I see a fat kid running, the slogan 'America Runs On Dunkin' comes to mind.

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   mentally catapulting Angry Birds at the car in front of me...

   It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.

   thankfully I choose my alcholic powers for good instead of evil

   It's all fun and games...unless there's cookies, then it's serious

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

   My neighbors keep listening to the same song over and over again…..whether they like it or not…..