Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother called Information. While I'm sitting here with my laptop, she called Information. Even the Amish dont call information anymore

   I dont watch porn on purpose...Its alwayz an accident cuz those movie titles just be trickin me all the time..."The Fantastic Foursome"..."Miracle on 69th Street"..."Glad-he-ate-her"..."Womb Raider" and my personal fav "Riding Miss Daisy"

   no it is not daughters week, or son's week or mothers or fathers week! If ya really give a sh!t about them, go to their house, look them in the eye and tell them!

   This is a perfect example as to why we should quit send money overseas to all these ungrateful countries. Why does the US even care about the rest of the world? They clearly don't care about us.

   In 2015, if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, you're a racist.

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   Tiger Woods: "I regret leaving Buddhism for Bootyism".

   wants to point out that real men don't sparkle unless he just got back from the titty bar.

   Expired milk in my fridge: Do I throw it out or wait until it's delicious cheese?

   having an I will never drink again moment!

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   f you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, start a chainsaw.

   its funny how people say they gonna change and its a new year shut the hell up you gonna be the same person just a diff year

   Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying out shopping on Black Friday.

   How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.

   McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.

   Epic failure on my cooking tonight, even the dog took one bite and licked his ass afterwards to get the taste out of his mouth.