Funny Status Messages
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Fact: rihanna's face is 74% forehead 
I haven't posted "what's on my mind" since I "used my mind" and found a site that could do it for me (:
"Meet local singles here." No thanks randomly placed ad. I know local singles and there is a reason they are in fact single!
"There should be a body shop called Auto Correct."
never teach your 4 year old that she is big enough to stop using "baby" words - we are now sitting down to watch Winne The Sh!t
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I smashed my finger today, "just glad it wasn't my "Have a nice day" finger
Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS.
Next up on espn , womans soc... click.
Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?
*1 friend request* (250 mutual friends) “…I still don't know you ...
❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Shark Week
Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.
Space has 10 different dimensions, but we can only see 3. So the other 7 are a great place to hide your porn.
My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a 'D' It vibrates It's a girl's best friend I'm pretty certain I know exactly what she's getting at. A new dishwasher.
It is impossible to unscrew a blown light bulb and not shake it to make sure you hear little pieces bouncing around!! I've tried, I can't!!
When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?
If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."
My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ
No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? 