Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fun thing about Facebook is......none you know if I'm naked or not.

   Gotta love Facebook. I can update my status, post pictures and even chat with numerous people.....and nobody knows I'm not wearing any pants.

   It's all shlts and giggles till someone giggles and shlts..

   if I had a dollar for every time Capitalism was blamed for problems caused by Government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap.

   No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

   I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua.

   I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

   She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you're adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Sorry I photobombed your pic, but I needed an alibi.

   What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

   Daughter: Momma, can a woman get pregnant from an@l s3x? Mother: Sure Honey. Where do you think politicians come from?

   We get it, ESPN. The superbowl will be cold, you don't have to remind us every 5 minutes.