Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're like a drug to me, not only am I hooked on you but you're also ruining my life...

   I'm your friend, and that's why I think I should tell you that your hair, in your new profile pic, says sexual predator all over it…

   You know what's amazing? "how I met your mother"

   One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.

   next time I see a place that says no shirt no shoes no service I'm gunna walk in without pants

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   I hate when I don't think of the good stuff to say till after the argument is over

   Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

   It's so hot outside I attended a Hillary Clinton rally just to be next to something shady.

   How soon can we start building a wall around California?

   That felon whose mugshot has women swooning over him is proof enough that women are crazy and perverts too.

   No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   I'm not the sort of person you want to put on speakerphone.

   They should wait until tomorrow morning to announce the verdict so everyone in Ferguson will be at work. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

   The retards back!

   It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

   If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!